Why do i always fuck shit up?
People always have this tendency to trust me, and i always let them down.

I always make it harder for my friends to be around me.

I fuck shit up and as friends, they still stand by me, being a real friend but to their own loss. 

Today, I realized that my friend just had to shut down his business because of my actions. And he couldnt even get mad at me because he knew I didnt fuck him over intentionally but out of stupidity. 

Hes probably more so mad at himself for mixing up friendship with his business. 

Im so naive and stupid that it suffocates those close to me. 

Im not worthy of peoples trust. Ill only hurt them in the end.

Zombies. Adrenaline coursing through my veins, heart thumping, desperately trying to get away. Dashing through the streets, leaping over fences, hoping i wont turn into breakfast for the undead. And then a woman starts giving me a blowjob. Slowly she puts her mouth over and then….. *RING RING RING*.

I open my eyes.

No zombies running around like an episode of The Walking Dead nor is a hot chick giving me a blow job.

FUCK.

I’m in my room, on my bed and *RING RING RING*. The ringtone is “Because of You” by Ne-Yo. I pick up and its my friend Sharon Luong.

The night before, we agreed to meet up in Chinatown at 4 to hang out with her and her friends. And then ice skating at 6.

Over the phone, we confirm to meet. We hang up. Probably a 30 second call.

Desperately wanting to continue the dream of getting a blowjob, i close my eyes and HOPE ill see her again. That hot chick. I press my eyelids shut even harder in hopes that itll cause the dream to reappear. No luck. FUCK ME.

I get up, check the time. 2:00 PM.

My day begins.

I remember i also made plans with my friend Mutie to watch Cosmic Gate

9:30 meet up at her place and Pacha right after.

I go on my laptop and do my daily routine of checking facebook and logging on to skype to see who is on. Christina calls over skype.

Some days, we talk about girls and boys. Other days, we talk about food and dogs. Today, its heart break.

This girl and I, i swear to god, we have to most random conversations ever. Talking about anything and everything. Really just picking each others brains.

Even then, im surprised that I was the person she turned to for this particular topic. On top of that, emotional support. I guess its because whenever we do talk, its usually about superficial shit, nothing deep. But not that it bothers me. Despite looking like a tough guy, having muscles and a huge ego, I hate to see another person in pain. Emotional pain. I guess its because deep down, i am a marshmellow, and as much as i hate it, empathetic to a degree.

The conversation goes on till about 6:30. Remember the part where i said I agreed to meet up with Sharon at 4? Well, Sharon calls a few times, “WHERE ARE YOU?!!!”.

I just reply back with “WHERE R U?” trying to throw it back at her, instead of saying how i really felt, which was that I didnt really want to go, in which case, i should have just said “Hey sorry Sharon, I cant make it”. I guess i feel guilty in some extent to cancel plans so I go through with them anyway, in which i end up being incredibly late or just not showing up at all.

Maybe i should go to hell for this. It really is disrespectful to hold somebody up. Especially for almost three hours.

So i finally end the conversation with Christina, a bit reluctantly as i was trying to find some reason to stay home for just a bit longer. Even Christina told me to leave. I guess even she felt bad.

And i get there, and before i get inside the rink, i stand outside and watch everyone skate. I end up running into an old high school acquaintance, Henry. He tells me that Sharon is inside already.

When i’m on line to get inside, i see this chinese guy with some mean ass eyebrows and wearing glasses. Hair slicked back. We stare at each other for a bit, and i give him the stern eyebrows too. I swear to god, why is this kid grilling me? I’m just gonna grill back. It turns out, he was actually figuring out how he knows me. I guess we met a while back? I forgot. He even remembered my name. Shit. I dont even remember this guy. I just play it off as if hes an old acquaintance instead. “OH WHATS UP BRO! Its been a while!”

Sharon comes out of the blue and just asks how we know each other. She goes back into the ice.

I go up to the skate rental counter and the blondie working there has some attitude. Not blatantly obvious, subtle but still noticeable. The brown girl on the hand, was alot friendlier and joking around with me. The joke is exchanged and she laughs. I win.

As I’m skating, I run into a few tech friends and sharons friends, i introduce myself to. Sharon didnt bother to introduce me. She broke social rule #1 when inviting a friend into your group. Shes also obnoxiously loud and says some weird things throughout the hang out. Mildly socially awkward but i guess in a ditsy way. Its kinda cute i think.

There was another korean kid that was on ice that was with our group. Forgot his name but cool guy. Very friendly. Hes the type of kid thats very open about things and is very curious about others. If someone seems to be having a bad day or angry, hes the first to ask the question, “whats wrong?”. We skate around for a bit, and just ask each other questions. I’d be down to chill with him. Hes got a good heart.

So its approaching 9:00 and i tell everyone goodbye.

One thing i learned is that, the asian male population tends to shy away from talking to me. Apparently i look like im a douchebag or an asshole. Whatever it is, its not gonna change.

So i arrive at k town and walk through to get to CVS (pick up red bull for mixers) before heading over. I run into one of the promoters for Circle nightclub and we greet, small talk and i leave.

One thing that bothers me, my lack of fluency in korean. Its a damn shame. I’m korean, i hang out in k town. I live with korean speaking people. I cant speak fluently. I’m going to take a class in korean. I’m gonna make sure i get real fuckin good at speaking my own goddamn language.

So i get to CVS, and i notice that i cant get to my phone thats in my jacket. And after a brief moment of stripping inside CVS and shuffling my jacket around, i realize that the phone somehow got inside the inner layers of my jacket. How the fuck??? I put that shit inside my pocket. Theres not even a way or a hole that allows the phone to slip inside.

I fuckin pulled off some David Blaine shit and somehow made the phone go from the pocket to the inner layers. So i ask a CVS employee for a scissor.

*snip snip* i cut through a pocket so i could get the phone out. Fuck.

So i arrive at Muties place, she lives on 32nd and 5th. DAMN HER PLACE IS FUCKIN NICE. 40 inch HDTV, huge iMAC, wooden floors, great view, 2 bedrooms, couches probably around 2500-3000 sq ft. Its a big place.Especially considering that she lives alone.

Turns out, she just got outta bed and recently got out the shower so she was busy drying her hair and putting on make up and dressing up.

Like i dont already know that I’m addicted, i log onto facebook on her iMAC and go through my status’s and new updates. She offers me this fruity alcoholic drink thats probably from singapore. I drank the past 5 days and this thing is making my liver squeal already just sipping it. Although it tastes great.

I realize, i havent eaten all day so i ask if i can have some cereal. Shes got a box of lucky charms. YUM. It was also the first time i tried almond milk. I’m in love already. Its fuckin delicious.

As i was eating, two of her friends came over as well. One brown guy, one chinese girl. Took me a while to figure out that they were bf and gf. We all talk about drugs and parties, and instantly connect. I offer everyone adderall, and surprisingly no one has tried it. But they all accept and we continue on with our pre gaming with a bottle of Rose wine. YUM.

Another guy comes over, white dude. From first impression, hes a little awkward and on the shy side. Anyway, soon after we leave for pacha.

Line was long as shit but we got in pretty quick and had problems with the guestlist. At other events we were able to get in for free, but i guess its changed to 21+. Pretty gay that me and mutii werent able to get in without cover but the friends i just met did. GAY.

We all get in, meet a  few other friends from the trancefamily. COSMIC GATE TIME!

I swear, Pacha is going to get an accident, and get shutdown for having too many goddamn people in the place. Everyones pushin each other on the dance floor, too many creeps, and too many asian woman that look like they could literally be my moms friend. What the fuck are they doing in Pacha anyway?

Either way, Cosmic Gate plays some sick shit, but the group and I werent really feeling it. Just not in a mood i guess. Mutie just came back from Singapore so shes obviously feeling jetlagged even after taking the adderall.

I hope the next rave we go to will be insane.

For the first time it hits me.

At first i thought it was just a weird case of depression but after thinking about it, i realized- it was the feeling of being grateful. For everything that i have, and for everything that the close people in my life had to put up with. For years it was the people that were close to me that had to deal with me being so nonchalant about everything (school, work, responsibilities) and just being a dick to them.

Despite being so ungrateful, they still kept in touch, still helped out with anything that i needed. Why? Because thats what families and real friends do. I can only imagine how frustrating it must have been, and how confusing it must be. Always wondering what went on in my head. My thoughts, my feelings, my wants, my heart. I kept it all bottled up, angered that no one understands me. Kind of expecting people to just “KNOW” and be able to fulfill my needs.

I was always angry. Angry at those near me, close to me and just angry at myself. Angry at the world. Why? Because i always looked at what i didnt have. What everyone else had that i didnt. The missing father from my life, the emotionally unstable grandmother who was our surrogate mother, the one who raised us, and while doing so, unleashed her insecurities through her anger towards us. I was angry that we had to be raised in such fucked up environment.

I would always talk shit about everyone in my life, never appreciated what they were to me. Never mentioned the good things about them. And in that same way, i never had anything good to say about myself. I always thought there was something that i was missing, something that i lacked in me that others had.

In a confused and lost way of trying to find the answers, the bandage to my wounds, to find the answers to life and all its mysteries- i rebelled. I went out and partied and tried to make friends, become Mr. Popular. To get all the bitches and be the fuckin man. Be the guy that all the other dudes are envious of. To find people that would truly understand me. I thought that would make everything alright. I was wrong. I found out that the people i met, were so fucked up in many different ways. Made friends who weren’t really friends. Fake people. People who make you feel great and happy but actually just using you and not really caring about the torment i was feeling inside.

After a long misguided journey to find the answers, i realized, all the answers were right there in front of me, everything i needed. The people who would actually listen, be there, and support me were right at home. The people who could actually understand what goes through my head and bothers me, right there next to me all this time. The people that could help me be a better man…. all right here. I just didnt know it at the time.

Theres so much that i have, so much given to us. Sure its not handed to us on an expensive silver platter but its still something and we definitely came a long way from where we were.

From living in a shitty one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn (always had roaches and mouse crawling around), we moved to an awesome 4 bedroom apartment in Roosevelt island where the view is beautiful and is so close to the city. and living in a condo with a step dad whose willing to take care of us.

Byung goo went through college, graduate school and even got through his contract with the military. Hyun jung is attending Rutgers university and has plenty friends to support her. I attended one of the top high schools in the entire country (ranked 36 the last time i checked). We certainly made something out of nothing.

And at the end of the day, all my family wants for me is to be successful. It was always their favorite word. At first i thought it was unfair that i have to do what they weren’t capable of, to be what they want me to be and not what i want. But i realize that’s not what they meant. What was it they really wanted to say? To be wealthy enough so that I don’t have to live like they did. So that i don’t have to live as miserable as they have. To be able to buy and live inside a nice house, to get married to a beautiful loving wife, to be able to own nice cars and travel to wonderful places and one day raise our own kids the right way (with a mother and a father) and send them off to a nice school and watch them grow up.

I guess, things just were said the wrong way. And i understand. Its too painful to a parents pride to open up fully to their kids and tell them that they were miserable, that they fucked up in life and made mistakes and that we should be better than they were.

Its just easier to tell the kid, you better not fuck up.

As for me? I was wrong. I didn’t understand them. I was angry that they didn’t understand me. But growing up has a funny way of getting you to realize things.