For the first time it hits me.

At first i thought it was just a weird case of depression but after thinking about it, i realized- it was the feeling of being grateful. For everything that i have, and for everything that the close people in my life had to put up with. For years it was the people that were close to me that had to deal with me being so nonchalant about everything (school, work, responsibilities) and just being a dick to them.

Despite being so ungrateful, they still kept in touch, still helped out with anything that i needed. Why? Because thats what families and real friends do. I can only imagine how frustrating it must have been, and how confusing it must be. Always wondering what went on in my head. My thoughts, my feelings, my wants, my heart. I kept it all bottled up, angered that no one understands me. Kind of expecting people to just “KNOW” and be able to fulfill my needs.

I was always angry. Angry at those near me, close to me and just angry at myself. Angry at the world. Why? Because i always looked at what i didnt have. What everyone else had that i didnt. The missing father from my life, the emotionally unstable grandmother who was our surrogate mother, the one who raised us, and while doing so, unleashed her insecurities through her anger towards us. I was angry that we had to be raised in such fucked up environment.

I would always talk shit about everyone in my life, never appreciated what they were to me. Never mentioned the good things about them. And in that same way, i never had anything good to say about myself. I always thought there was something that i was missing, something that i lacked in me that others had.

In a confused and lost way of trying to find the answers, the bandage to my wounds, to find the answers to life and all its mysteries- i rebelled. I went out and partied and tried to make friends, become Mr. Popular. To get all the bitches and be the fuckin man. Be the guy that all the other dudes are envious of. To find people that would truly understand me. I thought that would make everything alright. I was wrong. I found out that the people i met, were so fucked up in many different ways. Made friends who weren’t really friends. Fake people. People who make you feel great and happy but actually just using you and not really caring about the torment i was feeling inside.

After a long misguided journey to find the answers, i realized, all the answers were right there in front of me, everything i needed. The people who would actually listen, be there, and support me were right at home. The people who could actually understand what goes through my head and bothers me, right there next to me all this time. The people that could help me be a better man…. all right here. I just didnt know it at the time.

Theres so much that i have, so much given to us. Sure its not handed to us on an expensive silver platter but its still something and we definitely came a long way from where we were.

From living in a shitty one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn (always had roaches and mouse crawling around), we moved to an awesome 4 bedroom apartment in Roosevelt island where the view is beautiful and is so close to the city. and living in a condo with a step dad whose willing to take care of us.

Byung goo went through college, graduate school and even got through his contract with the military. Hyun jung is attending Rutgers university and has plenty friends to support her. I attended one of the top high schools in the entire country (ranked 36 the last time i checked). We certainly made something out of nothing.

And at the end of the day, all my family wants for me is to be successful. It was always their favorite word. At first i thought it was unfair that i have to do what they weren’t capable of, to be what they want me to be and not what i want. But i realize that’s not what they meant. What was it they really wanted to say? To be wealthy enough so that I don’t have to live like they did. So that i don’t have to live as miserable as they have. To be able to buy and live inside a nice house, to get married to a beautiful loving wife, to be able to own nice cars and travel to wonderful places and one day raise our own kids the right way (with a mother and a father) and send them off to a nice school and watch them grow up.

I guess, things just were said the wrong way. And i understand. Its too painful to a parents pride to open up fully to their kids and tell them that they were miserable, that they fucked up in life and made mistakes and that we should be better than they were.

Its just easier to tell the kid, you better not fuck up.

As for me? I was wrong. I didn’t understand them. I was angry that they didn’t understand me. But growing up has a funny way of getting you to realize things.